Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
