was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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