My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
