Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
