ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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