You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
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