i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
