My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
