We're facebook friends in real life
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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