i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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