I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
