dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
