And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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