I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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