I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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