Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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