I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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