She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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