I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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