Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
