my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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