highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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