I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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