Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
