It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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