so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
