i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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