Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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