I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
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What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
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You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?