i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My liver just had a heart attack.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
