i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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