you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
