I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
