I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
