I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
