I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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