I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
50% drunk capacity currently
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
