if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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