Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
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Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
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Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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