You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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