I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
