so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
