Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
