Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
