Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
