Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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