When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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