At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
