So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
