you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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