I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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