You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
