god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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