I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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