Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
