New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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