Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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