Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
